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"Too Much of a Good Thing" Too often, experts say, parents are spoiling kids not just with toys and gadgets, but by failing to set limits, not requiring chores, and smoothing all frustrations to keep kids happy. Two-thirds of parents say their children are spoiled, according to a 2001 Time/CNN survey. And it's worse than even a decade ago, 80 percent of those surveyed agreed. "Clearly, parents are more indulgent than the previous generation," said Dan Kindlon, author of "Too Much of a Good Thing: Raising Children of Character in an Indulgent Age." "Sure, kids in the Fifties were spoiled compared to their parents, but we've taken it up another step," he said. "A lot of parents now have gone off the deep end."
While parents uniformly agree that self-control and self- discipline are important for children to learn, only a third said they've successfully imparted these qualities, according to a 2002 survey by Public Agenda. Likewise, just over a third said they've taught children to be independent and do for themselves, despite the three-quarters who say those traits are "absolutely essential."

Parents who overindulge ultimately fail at the most important task of parenting: helping their child grow up. "Really, kids want to grow toward competence," said Dawson, a Kirkland, Wash.-based therapist. "What they need are adults to help them get there." Dawson and her co-authors studied adults who were overindulged as children and discovered three main ways of overindulging:

Giving too much. "With a constant barrage of too many and too much, children often experience a sense of scarcity because they fail to learn the vital skill of ascertaining what is enough."

Over-nurturing. "There is no such thing as too much love. But true love does not hover or intrude or deprive a child of the opportunity to reach out, to learn new skills, to feel the thrill of achievement, or to experience consequences."

Too little structure. "Soft structure is giving children too much freedom and license. Firm structure includes establishing and enforcing rules, creating firm boundaries, monitoring children's safety, teaching children skills for living, and insisting they do chores."

Whining and demanding might be the most obvious traits of overindulged kids, but as they grow up, they might:

lack life and self-care skills;

have an overblown sense of entitlement;

have trouble learning how to delay gratification;

expect to be the constant center of attention; be reluctant to take responsibility;

have difficulty knowing what's normal or enough;

have an unrealistic sense of their strengths and weaknesses.

Kindlon's research, which included surveys of 1,078 parents and 654 teenagers, found teens who described themselves as "spoiled" were twice as likely to have used drugs. "Very spoiled" teens were at higher risk for behavioral problems such as underachieving at school, cheating on tests, and skipping school. "Our kids are so precious to us," said Kindlon, a professor of psychology at Harvard University and father of two. "We use kids as antidepressants - and we don't want to jeopardize our prescription." Though they might tell themselves they're justified in pampering kids, overindulging parents opt for the easy path, experts say.

"Being too tired is the biggest obstacle to being a good parent," Kindlon said. "You can pick up their toys in five minutes or tell the kids to do it for 15 minutes. The first is easier for you, but is it the right thing for them?" One protective factor Kindlon found against dangerous teen behavior was whether teens were expected to keep their room clean. Though his research didn't delve into why, he suspects it's an indication that kids are supervised and expected to adhere to certain standards.
Teens who performed community service also displayed fewer problems, Kindlon said. "Kids don't do chores because they're busy with homework and extracurricular activities, but what's overlooked is that all these activities are geared to help them - to get into a good college, to get a good job. Giving back to other people helps kids not take themselves so seriously." Baby boomers especially shun the authority figure role, but Kindlon's survey found teens who reported strict parents also said they had fun together. "It's not an either/or proposition," he said. "The kind of parents kids hate are the ones who let them get away with everything, especially if it's because their parents are never around."

Source: Record, The; Bergen County,

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